That's my baby boi Gucci

As I add info for my web mag and hope this all is not in vain. The research paper is so much so much work, though I yet to submit. This is crunch time.

What I wish you knew about me

9/9/12

What I wish you knew about me

I'm 28 and have gone threw some stuff that many my age wouldn't be here talking about. From being in recovery for five years, to also having had lost my mom this Easter and burying my best friend of fourteen years to a overdose. I'm also gearing up to start my treatment for my hepatitis C along with a hand-full of mental disabilities that many would have rather hide and keep inside but I have to be strong enough to wake and know that this is my life and not any larger amount of tears or therapy sessions will make it go away living in the here and now makes me see that I have all I need the love of my family and the support one could only wish they had in my situation. As I think where I could be I automatically think to where I am and think I'm quiet happy with this. I like to think that everyday I have done something to be proud of. I'm a survivor and a winner because in my mind there is no backing down or chance of giving in because I'll never let a substance or documented disability keep me from archiving all and everything I have wanted or ever thought I needed like my schooling is something I will do to my best I might get help from my doctors with medication and great ways to stay clean and sober but in the end it will always turn out to be me who made it happen. I think self motivation and advocation is something we must strive to keep foremost a number one need to succeed. The word succeed to me has always had the word suck in it well to me. So you either suck till you are the best sucker at the thing you want to be or can suck it up till you make it and can say that with all that held me back I still made it this far. Which pains me to say that I have made it father than others but I will never forget the hard times and when I thought it was to much. When life seems to be to easy it just might or it really might be that you have found it a little bit easier at that moment cause the next will always have a sobering way to make you remember all the sad times and things that hurt but that is the stuff that can move you to make a change or keep you from reverting to your old ways of thinking or doing things that you have now changed. There are times where I feel I'm owed something for all I've gone threw but then I think of all I've done and how far I've come and I think well I just might be ready to achieve the impossible and do all that I was told I wouldn't and couldn't because of my problems and misunderstood pre-misconceptions about addicts and people with disabilities. I will never take the easy way. I will never not ask for help. I will never think I'm better. But I will never give in to things that will take everything I have earned or gained in my so called normal life. I'm not one to think that my life is unfair but feel my life is exactly as fair as I would ever want it in to be for the life and way that I live it.

GoD......!!!!!!!

        As growing in a town like Swansea' and into the tight knit family. I was raised in my 

 

parents and family's ideals. Then as a child, I just did as I was told ,and went and attended what 

 

was asked of me. Being Roman Catholic there are traditional rites you do to move foreword in 

 

you religious growth. I was baptized, attended CCD ,/many would think of  as Sunday school. I 

 

did this to feel apart of my faith and to show my family I was strong and willing to do the tasks 

 

they ask of you. I then made my First Communion which in the faith was a big step. Family 

 

celebrated and had a big party for me in my honor. With me continuing in the catholic CCD I 

 

was now going for the right of my conformation. When I was doing so I found that in me I was 

 

different and my whole belief, was now saying, "I was not a true child of god and I would burn 

 

in hell for my sins. "All over who I love or I choose to love. This was all crazy to me on top of 

 

all the worry inside me. I was told god made me in his image and died on the cross for my sins 

 

and was a loving and forgiving god. That's not how I was being treated. To be made fun of in a 

 

church my family funded for everything to keep the church doors open honestly pissed me off!

 

          As I grew the courage to tell my mother she was so open and said, "you are my baby boy 

 

and nothing will change that not you loving another man." She was a Portuguese mother that 

 

loved her child and then there was church in our life. As my mom went on she started to hear and 

 

say to others to mind your own and leave my sons name out your mouth, if it wasn't for his great 

 

grandmother and her sister this church would be closed. So count your blessing she yelled. From 

 

that day she never returned. But due to that we found there was a power much stronger in us told 

 

by a close family member. My mother started to find her way and how to handle the new so she 

 

started reading.

 

          This still is a part that makes me coke up, my mom changed her beliefs because her boy 

 

was told horrible things. She guided me to the path of Wicca and Neo-Pagan. This is a life and 

 

belief that all is holy and there is a spirt in everything. Some laugh some say oh stay away but 

 

this religion formed the religions many most believe today.  So remember they say thou shalt 

 

judge or be judged. My mother was a woman many years her spirt in young by age. The beauty 

 

and confidence to back it. 

 

          All it took was a book. To open my eyes and see that I was here for a reason. The book was 

 

"living Wicca"' by, "Scott Cunningham,"  the  book iI still go for guidance if needed and the 

 

writer sadly had passed. My mom changed everything for me. She showed me to be every and 

 

anything I strive to. Surprisingly so did the book along  I  found have the power to creat my own 

 

destiny. I thought that was predetermined, but nope wrong. Life is what it is good and bad. You 

 

can choose how you will walk through this life, the negative will and always attract negativity. 

 

There's a law called the law of attraction negative will find and go to the negative. Then there is 

 

the law that all that's positive will be blessed will all you dream of and all of your inner wishes 

 

and wants. For positivity attracts positivity in a way you would not believe.        

 

          

          Though as I come to a conclusion not all is nice and pretty all the time. I lost my mom this 

 

Easter, I still have an active communication with my mom as though she is here. She a wonderful 

 

mother that found something that was approving of her son weather or not but she changed for 

 

the good of us. She never forced this religion on me. That gift of the book and the knowledge 

 

that can take you and fill you up with this amazing outlook and personal well being is something 

 

I am grateful for. Just like my time I had with my mom my love my family and so much more I 

 

have been blessed with is  priceless.              

 

ACCESS DENIED

 

 

 

 

 

Access Denied

 Early morning as waking I noticed a notification on my link to life, my Iphone. The

sender of this email was labeled Unknown. I almost deleted automatically due to the no name

and all, but there was something familiar almost deja vu. I then opened the email and to my

utmost surprise was a coded message from a friend i will choose to keep nameless for his own

job safety. There is was the message from my apple informant, shaking looking at a large

number twelve with the shadow of a five, my blood pressure must have been thru the roof. Any

avid Iphone fan would know the numbers were from the calendar on the Iphones. There on my

screen was what no one knew yet there was an Iphone five and it was soon to release. To even

more of a surprise there was a message written to me saying,” hi and such other things but most

of all that the phone was due to be released mid September.” This information I was looking at

was for my eyes only for a good reason this message and all information was grounds for his or

her termination. It was sent in the most safest way but a server and routed through other

countries so you can say what i had was labeled classified.

 

Waiting in line, five customers in front of me, sweating, ready to jump out my skin. My

grandmother and I had made the journey to the providence place mall. Repeating to myself in my

 

 

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head, please let there be enough in stock, let the shipment have made it please oh please beo

there!” as the doors opened, I was off like a bullet out a gun to find a sales representative. While

my Grandmother shouts, “Tommy really is only a phone, what's the dam rush?” I sit here now

thinking, did she not remember the day i camped outside to get a previous phone, the Sidekick

three. that i had it while running to get the iphone. So I’m now eye to eye with the sales rep. and

i say, “can i have a iphone please?” he replied, “i sure can but there are some things i have to let

you know. I interrupt and said, “i already went to AT&T heres the line info and the code.” “Wow

someone did their homework,” he replied, “and there is one more thing, there are two phone they

go by gigabytes.” I turned to my Grandmother and said, “what one can i get?” I remember her so

clearly say, “well tommy were here and the smaller one of the two is $799.99 and the larger is

$999.99 so lets go for broke.” There i was so happy the second or third person walking out with

the first iphone. Thats where the obsession with the iphone started. see i had to only be fair and

let you know where and how the whole obsession and love for apple products stems from.

 

The info in my inbox was something trusted with me and the importance of the

information i had received was of the utmost secrecy. This was one of the most sought after

phones in the world and i had the release date of september 12th that just passed. The identity of

this friend had to remain as it is now unknown. Apple is a company that is one of the best to

work for and with that you are I trusted with all the information on all their products. This person

 

I met while living out in California with my cousin a recording artist signed to Wanner Brothers

music group in Burbank. Soon my job was her personal assistant, so it was nothing to be

 

 

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surrounded by some of the biggest names in Hollywood. This friend and I met as a Wanner

business dinner party. I was reading something on my iPhone and he commented and from there

we hit it off we were good friend. After the dinner we kept in touch and remained friends till this

day. I live out in California for five years and he was a great friend. So when the email arrived I

 

was kinda off guard I wis always tipped off by him to every other previous versions of the

iPhone the 3G , 3GS , 4 and 4S. So when I got this email I knew I had to own the device.

 

     His life as told to me was a life of secrets and scripts to go by to never leak or mess up

 

and not have the upper hand in the conversation or face to face. Apon working there the

beginning of the career he signed non disclosure agreements and I believe your subject to

 

resigning them throughout the career. To family and friends it was like living a lie, due to there

 

compleat world of never tell. Some of the worlds most intelligent, intellectual and wealthy

people in this country and many more are part of this world of highly guarded codes and devices

that they get and play with before they even come out but only in the safety of home or office.

Many like my friend work from home mostly then attend work meetings via iChat but, if its a

major thing like new products then they are in the office. Their job is to learn every and anything

about their products. They will lie for risk of being fired and shunned from the technology field.

When it comes time they will promote the products because they themselves have had and used

them and stand behind every product.

 

 

 

 

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   In conclusion I'm writing on apple corp. and their extreme some would think over the

top extensively covert measures they take on in just one day. Never mind the countless amount

of programming priceless prototypes that could fetch a pretty penny on the black market. As I sit

here and think Back to the title of this writing assignment "Access Denied" was perfect. There

are the apple workers you see in the store, even they are only entry level and most have to get

specialists to help you. There is a sense of pride one must have to work for one of the highest

grossing electronic power house. I'm a die hard apple fan and always will be I have to say and to

work for them. Oh I give them some much needed respect. Technology is the future and apple

 

just keeps making products to stand with and out shine many competitors. Gotta love apples anti

apple sergeants and identity thefts because Mac is virus prone and one of the most user

protective.

 

Recovery without Suppots

  

Recovery without Support

This is something dear to my heart. I would not be the person or possibly alive if it was not for the choice I made to change my life. I was raised in a family where I had all the support in the world you can even say I was over supported hence spoiled, but that is something I would never want any other way. My family was the best at support and instilled it in me. I like many fell from the straight and narrow path or should I say the right path. I became a full blown heroin addict why surge coat it. Yes it started with prescription medication for injuries. I love the feeling and found I was hurt but only for the pills, medication seeking and buying off the streets. Then I found this drug heroin was only five dollars compared to the sixty for an Oxy the highest pill form of basically heroin I found. All that said my family wanted nothing to do with me. I had stolen from them all for this drug I needed so I thought.

   Recovery is a support based system, without support there is no recovery. Being in recovery for years in January it will be five years on my birthday I have been clean and sober. My recovery was something I didn’t just achieve easily it took a lot of support from others such as; family friends and recovery based outlets.im on a Methadone Clinic that has you on a set amount of medication to keep you from wanting the drug or the crazing’s,. Then there are groups you attend a week to report in with peers that are or have gone through what you are or will go through  this is mayor this is where you say what’s bothering you and if you need to increase you methadone dose to cope with withdrawals or triggers that make you want to still use. This is where you see the support in a full circle. Now I’m not going to sit here and say everyone on the clinic is not doing what would adequate an drug free by any means, this is where there are a lot of bad things about the clinics and stigmas. They say recovery only works if you work it.

Now many say well why not stop the use and just move on you don’t need support. Well ok I would say give it a try. Many have and many are no longer here because of that reason they stay clean for ten years stay away and don’t use and one day run into an old person they used to get high with. The person relapses and possibly overdoses and dies from the no tolerance to the drug after so long of being clean or drug free, well say the person does not die and feels so ashamed all that time and hard work and uses that as the justification why to keep getting high. See justifying anything to get high is a problem  

That same person in narcotics anonymous with the time they had friends and people from the fellowship would have helped them. By always being one call away or by surrounding you with a productive support system. Spending time with fellow recovered person that cast no judgment on his or her past drug use... Well I can never say no judgment I can’t speak for all, but they are strong groups that have a high success rate of long term sobriety. Though I do not attend meeting all the time I do here and there to get my anniversary key chain or coin. Black is the one I have for multiple years. It’s been a while since my last meeting and I will be by one soon but the life I lead I can take it or not.

I have the support of a loving partner who loves me through and through. All that I stated prior about no family trust has changed? Well I’m the most called on for anything from a ride to watch my aunts and unlaces house. I can say the support I had was something I had to get it was there all along I needed to use it. Family would rather see you do well they see you do bad and same with your lover. Now I have times where I get upset and mad gosh I lost my mother and found her dead on Easter of this year. I did what I knew I needed to surround myself with positive people and work my plan for sobriety. Now I have all the things anyone would want cars, jewelry, money a loving family and a lover oh and the bills you will never escape them. Many think well I’m always going to walk around with that notion that I’m an addict but if you had diabetes would you always think that and feel bad well then there’s a total other problem. There’s  therapists out there that help dual diagnosis mental/addiction problems ill repeat myself over and over  sobriety works if you work it and there no way to stay clean without support from someone even gods listening.